Very Big Things (like caring for a baby or toddler) often come with surprising amounts of painful feelings
Each of us has to face how much it hurts to be alive sometimes
To be human is to struggle, and to feel distressed and overwhelmed by powerful emotions, often. Life is much messier than I could ever have believed when I was a younger woman. To be human is to experience a great deal of heartbreak and emotional pain, even for those of us lucky enough to be protected from the world's worst injustices. Even in societies and circumstances which are reasonably privileged, being alive intermittently brings with it unimaginable suffering.
This can be true of the Very Big Thing of having a baby or toddler. To love brings heartbreak, eventually and inevitably. This includes the love of a child. Although caring for a baby or toddler can come with tremendous amounts of joy and delight, which we need to cultivate, caring for a small child might also bring more stress, distress and grief than you might ever have imagined possible.
But would we refuse to allow ourselves love, in order to avoid the pain that comes with loving?
There is so much in life that we can't control, despite our best efforts
For many years I lived as if I could control outcomes, which also meant that I could drive myself quite hard at times! Coming to terms with how little I can control in life, really, has been a profound emotional and spiritual journey for me.
This is true of raising children, too. We have a lot less control over our little one's future than we might like to think. That's a scary thing to say, because we are necessarily committed to protecting our babies and children, and to securing the best possible outcomes for their development and their lives. But some children are born with genetic susceptibilities. Some are more vulnerable to physical or mental health challenges. Some children are born into severe disadvantage and injustice. Some children become sick. Some children die.
Our society will give you many rules about how to care for your baby and toddler. Our society would have you sweat the small stuff. You are raising your little child in the midst of the Information Revolution, and you'll be inundated with detailed, scientific-sounding advice about how to be the best possible parent. Often this is market driven, though that can be hard to work out, not least because market forces have surprising power over what health professionals are taught in the fields of baby or toddler sleep, breastfeeds, feeds and unsettled behaviour.
But once we've secured adequate nutrition, warmth, safety, shelter, and healthcare (basic human rights denied to too many babies and small children around the world), then what really matters is being able to relax into enjoying your little one. Enjoying a baby or toddler is good for that developing little brain and body, good for grown-up brains and bodies, and good for communities.
This is why it’s more important than ever to practice self-compassion, over and over, not just for your own sake and the sake of your little one's resilience in an uncertain future, but also for the sake of the planet.
Why false beliefs about what it is to be human can worsen distress and heartbreak
Certain false beliefs are widespread in our society. These beliefs permeate our daily life and make it hard to be kind to ourselves (and each other). Here are five.
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If we try hard enough, work hard enough, are good enough, are clever enough, we'll reach our goals and lead an admirable, satisfying life. (Since this is such a widespread belief, most of us feel as though we are failing a lot of the time.)
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If we work hard enough, we can triumph over adversity. (This makes us feel that not overcoming adversity is a sign of weakness.)
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If we work hard enough on our mental health, we'll eventually become psychologically whole and stop suffering so much. (This makes us believe that our suffering is our own fault - or even the fault of our own upbringing and our parents!)
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If we think positively and look to the future, we'll feel better. (But trying hard to get rid of repetitive negative thinking often doesn't work and can actually worsen mental and emotional health.)
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Our ongoing miserable feelings or lack of motivation result from random or genetic chemical imbalances in the brain. (This has been shown not to be the case. But this widespread belief leaves us feeling disempowered and at the mercy of neurohormones, unaware of the steps we can take to live with vitality and meaning even in the midst of painful thoughts and feelings or lack of motivation.)
These five beliefs can worsen our mental health and wellbeing. The things that shape our minds and emotional lives are incredibly complex, and often unknowable. The body and mind interact together and profoundly affect each other, too. There are multiple social forces, often hard to discern and outside our control, which impact upon our mental health and emotional wellbeing when we are caring for a small child.
The ideas I offer you in this Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program come from very different ways of thinking about life, and about being human, and about caring for our children in early life. These ideas draw on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and from Compassion-focussed Therapy, which overlap and inform each other. They are powerful and proven strategies for taking care of your own mental and emotional wellbeing (and your physical health too), as you live through the Very Big Thing of caring for your precious little baby or toddler.
A personal reflection on living through Very Big Things
I’ve lived through perhaps ten Very Big Things in my life, in addition to lots of other Not-quite-so Big Things. Some of my Very Big Things were personal, some professional. Luckily, I’ve not had to deal with serious illness or poverty or dispossession, or loss of my home or loved ones due to war or the climate crisis. So many humans are dealing with Very Big Things on a horrific scale every day.
But despite my fortunate life circumstances, I am heartbreakingly, devastatingly familiar with the death of people I love, the end of marriage, betrayal by people I trusted. My Very Big Things shifted the ground beneath my feet, and often flooded me with persistent, powerful, distressing emotions – especially at night, when we humans are particularly vulnerable.
There were many times when the Very Big Thing seemed to go on and on, and I wished that I could escape it. I hoped never to have to deal with another Very Big Thing ever again. I wondered how I could possibly live through yet another Very Big Thing! I thought many times in recent years: surely there is a limit to how many more Very Big Things I have to deal with? This hardly seems fair!
But then I remember that these are normal thoughts for a human mind when the going gets tough. For as long as I am alive, Very Big Things will come along, often outside my control, to transform me and – depending on how I relate to them – to bring my life soulfulness and depth.
This is also true of the Very Big Thing of having a tiny human come into your life.
Recommended resources
How mindfulness works to overcome painful emotions. Video by Professor Steve Hayes, founder of ACT.
Recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.
Selected references
Douglas PS. The need to acknowledge similarities between the 2022 D'Souza and Cassels and the 2014 Whittingham and Douglas contextual models of infant sleep. Sleep Health. 2023;9:797-800.
Ioannidis JPA. Evidence-based medicine has been hijacked: a report to David Sackett. Journal of Clinical Epidemiology. 2016:doi:org/10.1016/j.jclinepi.2016.1002.1012.
