When your toddler wakes up screaming in the night
Why do some toddlers wake up screaming in the night?
It's terribly upsetting when your toddler wakes up screaming, night after night! Mostly, toddlers dial up more gradually when they wake, and parents are able to respond before their toddler moves into a full-blown cry.
Not so with these little ones. Parents in this situation often tell me that their small child goes from "zero to 100" within seconds, on waking. What's going on?
Many toddlers will occasionally wake up screaming in the night. Often we don't know what has happened. Perhaps she slept on her little hand or ear or foot in such a way that she woke with a painful sensation of pins and needles because the blood circulation was cut off, for instance. It all settles down after a cuddle, and she goes back to sleep in time.
You might be worried that your toddler wakes up screaming because of gut pain, dysbosis or allergy. However, these are not typically the cause.
Occasionally, toddlers wake up screaming in the night because of a medical condition, such as a gut intussusception, ear infection, or a twisted testicle. You can find out about night or sleep terrors here. You can also find out about nightmares, parasomnias, and epilepsy here. If your toddler wakes screaming in the night, or you have concerns about your toddler's health, it's very important to see your GP for assessment. These pages don't replace medical assessment and advice, which will be required to ensure the safety of your own unique little child.
Some toddlers with a pattern of waking up screaming in the night have developed a form of conditioned dialling up, which is associated with night-time waking. This little one has developed a pattern of screaming in the night because when she wakes, she immediately becomes very frightened, and dials up as high as can be.
This might be an upsetting thing for me to say. What parent wants to think their toddler wakes up so afraid in the night that he starts to scream even before he's opened his eyes? We might feel awful that we've not been able to protect our precious little child from such fear. Sometimes we might feel as if we're somehow to blame, which I'd like to say very strongly is never the case.
Let me tell you how I think this works. From an evolutionary perspective, human babies have adapted to a wide range of infantcare practices across many different cultures over the past 300,000 years. Most toddlers are reasonably resilient in the night, adapting to families' varying styles. But the little one who wakes and immediately screams is at the sensitive end of the spectrum. This might be because of his genetic make-up or because of his own unique character, or both. He is less able to cope with being away from your body in the night for even a short time, at least for now.
Of course, we know the distress your sensitive toddler is experiencing is not rational - she is perfectly safe, you are not so far away, no predators are coming to harm her. But these sensitive little ones just don't do well with delayed responses in the night.
What can you do if you have a toddler who wakes up screaming in the night?
If you have one of these sensitive toddlers, I suggest that you
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Respond as quickly as possible at first, as you try to turn things around
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Apply your superpower for dialling him down, sensory motor nourishment, which in the night means picking him up and holding him close
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Apply your other superpower for dialling him down, a breastfeed if he is breastfed, a bottle if he is not breastfed and you are still offering a bottle in the night (which will depend upon his age), just as soon as possible, to dial him down and keep him dialled down.
Hopefully your child soon learns that there is no need to be so dialled up and afraid in the night, that you will be there, responding to even a grizzle or small cry. For other families, it can work quite well to be rather slow and lazy in night-time responses to their toddler, especially as the tpddler grows older. But for a period of time, with a sensitive little one like yours who has developed a conditioned dialling up in response to waking, it's best to get in as quickly as you sensibly can.
Some families with very sensitive toddlers decide, in the end, to bring their little sweetheart into the bed with them, at least for a time. Often they find it easier.
Over time, your sensitive toddler will move into a different developmental phase, thanks to your responsiveness in the night. He learns to feel safe (even though he has always been safe) when he wakes up in the night.