It helps to work out the difference between values and goals when you have a baby or toddler and the going's tough (using the example of not being able to breastfeed)

Here's an example showing how to work out the difference between values and goals.

You might have intended to breastfeed your baby. Breastfeeding is a big and often very emotional topic, for good reason! Breastfeeding your baby may have been an important goal from when you first thought about having a child, or from when you first found out that you were pregnant. Like many women, you may have just assumed you'd be able to breastfeed. And then – because things that arise in life are often out of our control – you faced insurmountable obstacles.

You are likely to have tried incredibly hard to make breastfeeding work, until there came a day when you realised it was just too hard. You decided that continuing on with trying to breastfeed wasn’t working for you and your baby, or wasn't fair on your baby and family. It can be hard for others to understand the enormity of this situation.

If you come to consult with me as a breastfeeding medicine doctor at the end of your breastfeeding journey, and you no longer want me to try to help you breastfeed, then we might think together about the values which lie underneath your goal of breastfeeding.

• Do you value physical expressions of love, the touch and bodily closeness with your little one?... If so, you could consciously nurture physical closeness with your baby, even as you use the bottle. There are many ways to nurture physical connection with your baby without breastfeeding, once you start to think carefully about it.

• Do you value protecting your small child's immune and metabolic health, now and into the future?... If so, some parents like to explore options like donor milk, either for exclusive use or to complement their baby’s formula use. But if that isn’t workable for your family – and frankly, it isn’t for many, due to cost, safety concerns, and availability – then you might think through the many other ways you can support your baby’s health, now and into the future, even as you formula feed.

There are other things that can help if you are feeling upset because you can’t breastfeed, such as how to manage grief, and how to practice self-compassion. But it really helps to remember the values that underlie your goals. Then when you can’t meet your goals, you can look to your values for guidance, even in the midst of grief.

Recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.