Our self-talk can become very unkind when we face a Very Big Thing (like caring for a baby)

When we are faced with a Very Big Thing, like caring for a small child, our minds often move into the "I'm facing a threat here" mode. We turn the problem over and over in our minds in an attempt to solve it. We might believe that if only we work hard enough, try out enough new things, push on through, everything will be alright.

Unpleasant thoughts and feelings usually arise when humans are facing a Very Big Thing. Our mind tries to protect us by warning us of things that might happen or reminding us of how we have failed so that we don't repeat it. But it usually doesn't work to try to get rid of painful thoughts like this. The more we try to get rid of them, the worse they become, because we are directing our attention on to the thoughts instead of on to other things in the present moment. Then we might feel very frightened there is something wrong with us, and begin worrying about this too, which continues to make our stress and distress even worse!

It's helpful to know that it's normal to have distressing thoughts and feelings when we face a Very Big Thing in life. It's normal for an exhausted Homo sapiens brain to lapse into a stream of unhelpful thoughts. You could even expect this from your mind when you're sleep deprived or very tired. What matters is that you don't believe each unhelpful thought your mind presses upon you! Loads of self-compassion is called for.

Women often say that their mind tells them they're a 'bad' mother. I listen carefully, and with great concern. It's incredibly upsetting when our mind tells us this. Of course, our mind is being spectacularly unkind and unfair by calling us a bad mother. We're trying so hard to do the right thing and be a good mother! You can find out why our minds often tell us this when we're caring for a baby or toddler here.

Here are some other unkind and unhelpful thoughts which our minds commonly tell us when a Very Big Thing is happening (like caring for a baby or toddler). You've probably got some unique unkind thoughts of your own, too.

• I am not cut out to be a mother

• I am harming my child psychologically

• I can't do this

• Everyone else can do it but not me

• My child hates me

• There's something wrong with me

• I simply can't do this another minute

• I'm scarring my baby or toddler psychologically, for life

• My little one's brain is not going to develop properly because of me.

The first step is to recognise that our mind is caught up in the process of unkind self-talk. The second step is to respond to ourselves with huge amounts of self-compassion. The third step is to start practicing some strategies for managing our mind when it tells us these unkind, unhelpful things.

Recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.