Helpful strategies for managing difficult thoughts and emotions if you have breastfeeding problems
It is normal to feel upset and to have unhelpful thoughts when you face breastfeeding problems
The human brain is brilliant at solving problems - this is our evolutionary edge. However, the flip side to this is that our remarkable brain is prone to having many unhelpful thoughts about the past or the future, particularly when we find ourselves in situations of chronic stress that cannot be immediately solved, like breastfeeding difficulty.
The key to psychological resilience is the capacity to gently control where we place our mind's attention, bringing our attention over and over into the present moment.
-
Breastfeeding difficulties, which are faced day and night in the context of sleep deprivation, will naturally result in many painful and despairing thoughts and also in feelings of distress, misery, and disempowerment.
-
We might also notice that instead of feeling love and joy in the presence of our baby, we feel numb, or resentful.
-
If we are in pain with breastfeeding, we might try to put off feeds. This is a normal and appropriately protective response, and another reason to find help quickly.
All of these thoughts and feelings are a natural response to breastfeeding difficulties, though the power of our psychological distress and grief when breastfeeding isn't working out well is not always well understood in our society.
Clarify your values
It's helpful to give some thought to your values. Values that guide your breastfeeding journey might be offering your baby a deep physical closeness and security; giving your baby the healthiest possible start in life; responding to your baby's needs.
Sometimes, if breastfeeding isn't working out, clarifying your values can help as you do what's required to keep your baby - and also you - safe.
Values are like points on a compass; they give your life a sense of meaning and purpose. They are like guiding stars during times of difficulty and stress. In order to live according to our values, we need to have strategies for managing difficult thoughts and feelings, since worthwhile things (like having a child) will always be accompanied not only by joy and satisfaction, but by pain and difficulty too.
Notice and name your thoughts and feelings
If your mind is telling you things like “I can't do this another day”, or “I'm a failure as a mother”, or “my baby is rejecting my body”, you might just notice these thoughts passing through as natural brain activity in this stressful situation. Some thoughts might be true (maybe the nipple damage is so serious that you need to rest the breast), some thoughts might be false (all of us women are prone to having thoughts that we are failure as mothers, for example; and all babies actually have a powerful biological drive to feed from their mothers' breasts, it's just that sometimes obstacles like fit and hold problems get in the way.) What matters is whether the thoughts are helpful or unhelpful at this particular moment in time.
This is not to say that you don't need to seek support from a suitably qualified health professional - you do. This is not to say that you can keep on breastfeeding - maybe you can't, actually, and you'll then find ways to live out your same values using other feeding methods. But we want to notice when we get caught up in our thoughts, and then bring our attention back into the present moment.
Similarly we want to notice the feelings and sensations clamouring in our body. If you have decided that you will manage a degree of pain in breastfeeding for a time, in service of your values (and we strongly recommend that you seek professional breastfeeding help if this is the case, since pain signals something is wrong), or if you are feeling anxious or upset or miserable or angry, notice these sensations in your body.
Anchor your attention in the present moment by deliberately paying attention
We then expand our awareness into the present moment by paying attention in very curious, detailed ways to what else is here in the present moment too.
We might take a deep breath and let it out, consciously relaxing our shoulders and muscles. We might pay attention to the sound of traffic or a bird song outside the window. Can you feel your feet on the floor? Is there the warmth of the baby's body against yours? Can you stretch a little and feel a delicious release in your muscles? Can you caress your baby's soft skin, even if he or she is fretting or crying? Can you sing or hum to your baby a little?
Is it possible to bring a little more self-care into the moment - is there a cup of tea to hand? Music? Is there someone to bring you some food, or rub your shoulders? Can you step outside the house or apartment and inhale the fresh air? Or walk?
Make room for those difficult thoughts and feelings
Here, in the present moment, we make space for difficult thoughts and feelings, which will come and go like the weather. We don't fight them or try to make sense of them or try to get rid of them, since all of that usually doesn't work.
But nor do we let them control our behaviours. Our baby may be dialling up and we notice our own sympathetic nervous system dialling up, too - but there are steps we can take to try to make sure that those painful and anxious thoughts and feelings which we naturally have in response to breastfeeding problems don't control our own behaviour.
Take actions that align with your values
Instead, anchored here in the present moment, we take one tiny step after another in service of our values. A thousand times a day we notice how our brain takes us away, how if our baby is upset certain feelings are triggered within us - and yet we return our attention, patiently, with self-kindness, to the this moment, growing tiny opportunities for pleasure and relaxation even in the midst of difficulty and distress, even in the midst of breastfeeding problems.
You might like to work through the Caring for you pages of The Possums Sleep Program for lots of ideas about how to best care for your emotional and mental well-being when you have a baby, starting here.
To my mind, each of us, once we've had a baby, could use the incredible challenges which so often come up at this time of life as an opportunity to become a self-compassion ninja!
Recommended resources
You can find many articles about caring for your own emotional and mental well-being when you have a baby under the Caring for you mini-program. Here's a few that you might be interested in.
Three things to know about your brain's thinking processes once you've had a baby
Why your values matter when you are facing baby or toddler care problems
Bring our attention back to the present moment over and over